I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
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“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now: