I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
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A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.