@annmargarita72

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

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@Bbrrysurprise

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

@fro_vo

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

@MODAT

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

@GlennyRodge

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

@JimmerThatisAll

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

@Leemanish

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

@nice_mustard

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

@ch000ch

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

@trevso_electric

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.