I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

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“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.


ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle


Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.


Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.


“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.


I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.


yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up


[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming


*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*


The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.