I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

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I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…


I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…


Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”


If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.


If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.


My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’


Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.


coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast