@DionneMcNutt
@MrsGoose69 I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
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@MrsGoose69 
@theshantilly Why does laundry happen to good people?
@AngelaEhh I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
@juneohara65 Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
@Sarrah_Sloan If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
@Maxine12333 If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
@AmazingPhil My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
@devonellis_ Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
@PhriendlyCody coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
@ilovecuredmeats Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.