@DionneMcNutt

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

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@MrsGoose69

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

@AngelaEhh

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

@Sarrah_Sloan

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

@Maxine12333

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

@AmazingPhil

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

@devonellis_

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

@PhriendlyCody

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast