I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
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it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.