i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
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me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.