I love dogs with human names because you get to say things like Greg pooped on the rug again.
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My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.