I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
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*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven