I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
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Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Thoughts
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.