I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
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Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I have a place for everything. The floor.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.