@MySickthSense
@_wendyb07 Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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@_wendyb07 
@WilliamRodgers My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
@alexjmann How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
@Michael1979 If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
@TheAndrewNadeau INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
@egg_dog [death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
@Daveastated Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
@notacroc [date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
@RexHuppke “Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
@Swishergirl24 I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.