@MySickthSense

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

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@_wendyb07

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

@WilliamRodgers

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

@alexjmann

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

@Michael1979

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

@TheAndrewNadeau

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

@egg_dog

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

@Daveastated

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

@notacroc

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

@RexHuppke

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

@Swishergirl24

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.