I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
he’s sick of your bullshit today
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?