I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
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I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??