I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
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Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you