I love hard, but I stupid harder.
You Might Also Like
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
#titanic
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”