I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
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Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.