I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
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BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.