i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?