i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
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my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I am patiently waiting for your email
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.