I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
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Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.