@illuminateddino

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

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@OGPoutyMcgee

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

@SupaJ76

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

@briancthayer

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

@DanMentos

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

@1followernodad

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

@LeahTiscione

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

@kimtopher22

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

@mommywhitfield

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

@TheTweetOfGod

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.