I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
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ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
those birds must be on payroll
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
never deleting this app.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer