I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

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I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.


My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.


Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.


5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.


“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]


Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.


If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin


I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.


Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!


The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.