I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Have kids, they said
Autocorrect completely socks
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.