I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
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If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.