I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic