I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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*pronounces fake like saké*
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.