I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
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Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter