I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Care for your back
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)