I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
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If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.