I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
This January has 47 Mondays
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Tastes like chicken.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
A woman drives into a bar.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!