I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

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The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.


*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?


When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.


WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God


If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”


Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet


[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists


As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.


*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.