I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!