I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
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Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
who wore it better?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Banking tips
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?