I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
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Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Sell your car
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other
[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.