I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
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Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Sell your car
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.