I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
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[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong