Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

But that’s none of my business

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.