I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
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I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I created you as mosquito food.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.