I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me: