I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

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I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.


The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?


Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!


Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.


ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen


The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?


Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.


I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.


Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.


Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals