I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
No, YOUR illiterate.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.