@WilliamAder

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

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@navanax

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

@robdelaney

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

@Daniel_Sloss

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

@ilovepie84

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

@chunkbardey

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

@kelkulus

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

@brandynmacd

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

@Mr_goose007

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

@ozzyunc

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

@TheMockingMama

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals