I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood


(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide


[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?


To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic


Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell


[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh


You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”


Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine


You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.