I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
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*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
The Backseat Boys
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.