@timdonakowski

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

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@causticbob

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

@bobvulfov

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

@dafloydsta

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

@KristinGnr

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

@samalmightysam

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

@AndyAsAdjective

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

@AnnaDoesntWant2

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

@DreamsSarcastic

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.