I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
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bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Don’t forget to tip your server
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones