I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
#NoRestForTheWicked
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.