I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
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[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.