I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by