I love it all
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I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Happy thanksgiving!
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
🥶🥶🐶🐶