I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
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Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.