I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
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Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Well, that didn’t work.
What personal space?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”