@karlainvt I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
@WonderMonkey78 I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
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@karlainvt 
@DurtMcHurtt Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
@TheAlexNevil “Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
@JGnuman197 Well, that didn’t work.
@envydatropic What personal space?
My dog
@MaraWilson Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
@QwertyJones3 [group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
@AimeeHelene1 DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
@Dawn_M_ I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
@Dakota_Conduct Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”