@WonderMonkey78

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

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@karlainvt

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

@TheAlexNevil

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

@MaraWilson

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

@QwertyJones3

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

@AimeeHelene1

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

@Dawn_M_

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

@Dakota_Conduct

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”