I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
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I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
It will always be this
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Sing it!
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.