I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
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Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Butt weight. There’s more!
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Finally, an instrument I can play!
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”