Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.
911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.
Me: This is so us.
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.