I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

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If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.


I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.


The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.


I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.


Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.


I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.


Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.


If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.