I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
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Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country