I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
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You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
every single time
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Every haunted house movie:
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.