“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
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CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
secret recipe
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.