I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
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date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
not seeing the problem
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet