I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
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CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!