I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
