I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
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I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s