Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Cardio Made Easy

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.