I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds