I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
#titanic
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT