I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn